Yesterday I saw that my 13-year-old daughter was on PornHub. What do I do now?
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Finding out that your child has watched pornography online can be shocking and scary, but rest assured that their curiosity is most likely normal behavior. And in today’s digital age, online pornography is prevalent and easy to access.
If you notice your child has accessed pornography, start by having an open, judgment-free conversation using these expert tips:
- Let your child or teen know that they aren’t in trouble. Introduce the conversation in a way that lets your child immediately know that they haven’t done anything wrong. You can start by saying something like, “I’ve been meaning to check in with you now that you have a computer in your room,” or “I think it’s important to talk about all of the things that can be online now that you have your own phone.” Bringing shame into the conversation will only cause them to shut down and will likely prevent them from coming to you in the future if they have questions surrounding sex.
- Identify your family values and beliefs. It’s important to identify your own values surrounding pornography before you dive into the conversation. You may have a strictly no-watching pornography stance, or you may encourage their curiosity. Every family is different, so you’ll need to communicate your expectations clearly and directly.
- Remind them that pornography isn’t real life. While sexual curiosity and interest are a normal part of growing up, it’s important to let your child know that what they see online is not always real and often depicts unhealthy forms of sexual expression that can include violence and abuse. Diverse body types are often not represented, and contraception and consent are rarely a part of the narrative. The truth is that their future sexual experiences will likely not resemble the acting that they see in pornography — and that’s a positive thing!
- Explain the risks. You can compare looking at pornographic images to the addictive qualities of a slot machine. Both are designed to stimulate our brains and keep us coming back compulsively. That’s why it’s important to foster real-life intimacy, discuss consent often, and to create awareness surrounding all online activities.
- Risks of sharing. Remind your teen that they should never take and share photos of themselves or others that they wouldn’t want others to see. And never forward or share someone else’s sex-related photos or messages. Let them know that there could be serious consequences - especially if a person involved is under 18.
It is quite normal for teens to be curious about porn, and curiosity alone is not a cause for concern, but the negative impact that porn has on a developing mind can be. Therefore, keep the conversation going and step in if it begins to affect their relationships or other areas of their lives. Know that you can always call on the support of a mental health professional for support, especially if you suspect that your child is developing an unhealthy relationship with internet use.
Every child is different, but red flags can include changes in mood, sleep patterns, school performance, or appetite. For more information, see the article How to spot mental health concerns in children.
Other questions
Am I wrong for not wanting my kids to have a mobile phone? I feel that this is something reserved for a teenager around the ages if 16 and up.
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Unfortunately, there’s no right answer—no perfect age for a kid to get their first phone.
Can my teen use his private VPN so I cannot monitor his screen time usage?
A VPN, or Virtual Private Network, creates a secure and encrypted connection over the internet, protecting online privacy and security by establishing a private network from a public internet connection.
Does taking away devices hurt or help kids learn better habits? I’m afraid it just teaches them how to be sneakier…
Taking devices away from your children can be difficult — you want them to understand the importance of time away from screens without resentment.
What is the Saturn app and why is it on my kid’s phone?
While Saturn App is a popular calendar app for high school students, it has also come under attack by parents and school boards over privacy concerns.
My child was exposed to some inappropriate content on Roblox. I feel awful and don’t know what they saw. What should I do?
Unfortunately, you can't guarantee that your children won't see inappropriate content online — accidentally or intentionally. Start by talking to your child about what they saw. Provide a safe space. Many children keep problems secret from their parents because they fear they might get in trouble.
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